Mary Magdalene (Garth Davis, 2018): 1.5/5

i'm starting a support group for lesbians who have slaved through the shittiest films just for rooney mara. we meet once a month in the last standing blockbuster video store on earth. 

Loving Pablo (Fernando Leon de Aranoa, 2017): 2/5

Title ostensibly refers to Cruz's journalist, but more accurately describes the film itself.

Downsizing (Alexander Payne, 2017): 1.5/5

What a colossal mess. Spends over an hour on intriguing world-building and exposition only to throw it all away in the 2nd and 3rd acts for several pointless tangents that don’t utilize the premise at all. Bullshit bait and switch.

In Fabric (Peter Strickland, 2019): 1.5/5

Great score and stunning visuals, but the story felt excessively chaotic and whatever point it was trying to make about labor and consumerism was completely lost on me. I understand that the general sense of exaggeration and the utterly grotesque nature of the events are a purposeful part of the various euro-horror homages being paid by the director but, in the end, they just amplified my general sense of detachment from what is an occasionally funny but ultimately tedious (and excessively long) narrative. 

Marriage Story (Noah Baumbach, 2019): 3/5

Laura Dern,...pin your heel to my neck, school me in court and drain my bank account DRY, please. Extra half star for Ray Liotta saying “avant garde”

All I Wanna Do (Sarah Kernochan, 1998): 3/5

This opens with the credit A Film By Everybody Who Made it and it's cute AF.

The most feminist film of '98? Full of tough girls who destroy men, are proudly horny, hungry, and ambitious. It made me legitimately crave canned ravioli.

The Forest for the Trees (Maren Ade, 2003): 4/5

Cringe-inducing, beautifully calibrated portrait of toxic neediness. Ade (Toni Erdman) and her remarkable lead actress, Eva Lobau, somehow create a character who's intensely lovable despite her ignorance of pretty much every social convention known to man; each faux pas registers like a million tiny pinpricks. Imagine Single White Female as a naturalistic European drama instead of a dopey American thriller.

The Lion King (Jon Favreau, 2019): 1/5

THEY FILMED "CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT" DURING THE FUCKING DAY

IT LITERALLY SAYS NIGHT IN THE NAME YOU IMBECILES

I Lost My Body (Jeremy Clapin, 2019): 2.5/5

Intriguing so long as it remains somewhat mysterious; falls apart when its timelines converge.

Seth Meyers: Lobby Baby (Neal Brennan, 2019): 3.5/5

the "skip politics" bit was absolutely genius, better than all of bandersnatch

Circle (Aaron Hann, Mario Miscione, 2015): 2/5

Cube 4: Circle

I had that joke written before I even started the movie.

Errementari: The Blacksmith and The Devil (Paul Urkijo Alijo, 2017): 2.5/5

A fantastical horror journey into an 1800s world of christianity, demons, and predictable plot points. Extra half star because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie in Basque before. Nice of Netflix to dive into a region and culture that most people probably have no idea about. Do NOT watch this with the awful English dub 

The Irishman (Martin Scorsese, 2019): 3/5

anna paquin: so do you want me to say anything or-

martin scorsese: no i literally just want you to vibe

Basically Scorsese's FORREST GUMP.

Generation Wealth (Lauren Greenfield, 2018): 2.5/5

Apparently you can get salmonella from bukakke.

Why is this not as good as THE QUEEN OF VERSAILLES, or even Greenfield's photographic worth? Is it because its insights into American (and international) excess and the destructiveness of capitalism isn't really new? Or that the questions it poses feel too broad and limiting? The film ends up being less about "generation wealth" more about Greenfield narrativizing her own life and neuroses and history through the lens of her work. The footage and interviews have enough interesting content to easily fill 3 different documentaries, but the uneven structure and framing device make it clear that greenfield doesn’t really know what to say with this wealth of material.

The Fall (6 minutes) (Jonathan Glazer, 2019): 3.5/5

Immaculately shot and exceedingly haunting, Jonathan Glazer proves once again to be a master of atmosphere and dread. I wish it was longer and cannot wait to see his new feature once it comes out.

Beautiful Boy (Felix van Groeningen, 2018): 2/5

timothée: i don’t do meth! *sneaks off to do meth*

steve carrell: WHHY ARE YOU RUNNING?? WHY ARE YOU RUNNING????????

Imagine this but repeated every 20 minutes over the course of 2 hours and you have Beautiful Boy.

Oh god and the music choices in this movie... well they certainly were choices.

Portrait of a Lady on Fire (Celine Sciamma, 2019): 5/5

I saw this 3 different times the week it played at the ArcLight in Hollywood. Best film of the year. Best of the decade. The greatest cinematic experience of my life, bar none. 

I'm, and I can't stress this enough, yelling.