Cosmos (Andrzej Zulawski, 2015): 0.5/5

Filtering Sartre through a slapstick comic lens with a dash of postmodern epistemology: Not My Thing.

I try to reserve my half-star scores for films that have either been compiled with an offensive incompetence, brandish a purposeless contempt for its audience, or lack anything remotely resembling artistic merit and/or ambition. And I will look you dead in the eyes and tell you that COSMOS isn’t guilty of any of those transgressions. If anything, there’s a large chunk of talent involved, nothing actively insulting for its viewers, and plenty of passion-laden, vulgar auteurism at work. But holy fucking shit, this has to have been one of the worst viewing experiences I’ve had. Surprised I stuck it out til the end, honestly, but I was foolishly strung along with false hope in Zulawksi—knowing the name and at least having seen POSSESSION, aware of his aptitude as a moody filmmaker—that he’d somehow bring all this mind-numbing silliness to a sharp point, that there’d be one scene where everything would just suddenly *click* for me and all my prior suffering would be rewarded with a sobering moment of clarity. But no, it's just a hysterical mess, a nonstop cacophony of indiscernible tone and intention.

Hats off to those who can enjoy/appreciate this sort of crap.

David Holzman's Diary (Jim McBride, 1967): 4/5

"I don't know what you're waiting for, I've got nothing to say... unless you wanted to talk about Vincent Minnelli."

Another long-time watchlist piece knocked off thanks to Kanopy. You have to keep reminding yourself that back then there weren't a million people talking to cameras every day and uploading the results to YouTube, that the very existence of this video diary was meant to be representative of an aberrant mindset. (Points for prescience, obviously.) Though at the same time no you don't, because among its many other virtues it makes a fascinating time capsule of NYC in the '60s, walking a wavering, improbable line between solipsism and urban ethnography.

One of the most phenomenal pieces of meta-film out there, precisely because it’s so early and punchy. If you went into this not knowing about it being fictitious as those who saw it did in 1967, you’d leave completely agape. Yet another one that should be required viewing for any acolyte of indie and experimental filmmaking.

Long Day's Journey into Night (Bi Gan, 2018): 2.5/5

Heavy influence from Wong Kar-wai, Resnais, and Tarkovsky here. (Btw this has nothing to do with the Eugene O'Neill play of the same name.) Narrative logic is mutilated by nostalgic interjection, the presence of subconscious fantasy, and a past longing that mists the present. Overall, too far into the abstract and elliptical for my taste. Not to mention impenetrable with a cliche collection of symbols.

However, it does feature a 50-minute long 3-D tracking stunt shot - a flex I can appreciate. I imagine my feelings would be kinder if I had been able to process it in theaters the way Gan intended.

Rocketman (Dexter Fletcher, 2019): 1/5

Or, BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY 2: GAYBOI BLUES

And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time... before we get a musical biopic about a queer superstar that isn’t predictable, contrived, laden with fake CGI crowds, and doesn’t feature a subplot about their gay managers exploiting them.

”You make songs that make millions of people happy. And that’s what’s important.”

I mean, honestly, WTF???

The Grandmaster (Wong Kar-wai, 2013): 2.5/5

You don't need to know anything about Harvey Weinstein, Wong Kar-wai, or even this movie's history of multiple cuts to sense that *something* strange went on in the editing room here. No movie this rigorously composed has subtitles this artlessly expository by choice. There are stretches of this movie that are like the worst Hollywood biopic -- "And then this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened..."

Although the film suffers from uneven, incoherent narrative, the film is indeed ravishingly-looking thanks to its crystalline cinematography and Wong Kar-wai’s stylistic flourishes. The performances are committed. Tony Leung is still at his good form, but the film belongs "emotionally" to Zhang Ziyi whose performance is both beautiful and haunting. As radiant as she and her character is, Zhang creates a beautifully nuanced portrayal of Gong-Er, a strong woman ahead of her time.

In the Name of My Daughter (Andre Techine, 2014): 2/5

Adele Haenel’s dancing/swimming/existing and Catherine Deneuve singing along to the french version of stand by me were the best parts of the movie, the rest of this was a confusing mess.

Dog Eat Dog (Paul Schrader, 2016): 1.5/5

Schrader embracing cartoonish disrepute. Cage doing Bogart. Dafoe doing...something. This is a glorious nothing of a movie.

Delirium (Dennis Iliadis, 2018): 1/5

One star only for Patricia Clarkson. And this was produced by Leonardo DiCaprio??? What a waste.

The Public (Emilio Estevez, 2018): 1.5/5

If you want to check out a film featuring Emilio Estevez holed up in a library with a couple of unlikely companions, just rewatch The Breakfast Club.

The Two Popes (Fernando Meirelles, 2019): 2/5

Buddy comedy about one of the most evil organizations on Earth.

Chapter 27 (J.P. Schaefer, 2007): 1/5

Leto gained 67 lbs for nothing.

Late Night (Nisha Ganatra, 2019): 2/5

I would have appreciated more chemical plant humor.

Uncut Gems (Ben and Josh Safdie, 2019): 3.5/5

Or, A Series of Unfortunate, and Avoidable, Events

They always ask to clean something.

You ever notice that? Jewelers, or at least the ones smart enough to earn your business, rope you in by asking to clean your ring, or chain, or watch. Ten minutes in, he hooked KG with his earrings. Boom.

Another technically well-made Safdie bros crime drama with psychological thrills, dark energy and a frustrating albeit rightfully uncompromising ending. Also, the intro and outro vfx blend are everything that makes the cinematic form majestic. Keep an eye out for two great supporting actors, Julia Fox playing the "I'm much smarter than I look" side-piece, and a wicked (couldn't help myself) Idina Menzel as the wife who takes Howard to task.

rewatched Carol (Todd Haynes, 2015): 5/5

my tear ducts: please don't...
me: Carol Time
my tear ducts: oh my god

Dolemite Is My Name (Craig Brewer, 2019): 3/5

Fun not just because it’s a glossily pitch perfect replication of an era, or because it’s entertaining on an elemental level, but also due to the fact that it gets what makes the best exploitation cinema special. They’re movies crafted by weirdos who arguably had no right (let alone the skill) to make them, but were so driven to put their own image (and the image of their people) up on the screen that they couldn’t fail at any cost.

Light of My Life (Casey Affleck, 2019): 4/5

THE ROAD meets CHILDREN OF MEN meets LEAVE NO TRACE. A stealth weepie. Wouldn't succeed were both lead actors not terrific. Affleck does his usual first-rate job, capturing the internal contradictions of someone who's not cut out for this nightmare but is determined to forge ahead for the kid's sake, and he's matched beat-for-beat by Anna Pniowsky, who somehow manages to make Rag atypically thoughtful for her age but not obnoxiously precocious. Plenty of people have noted the ostensible barbed significance of Affleck having written a movie in which women are all but extinct. Didn't come across as vindictive to me though. If anything, this film makes an XY-only world look truly terrifying, as it surely would be.

Guava Island (Hiro Murai, 2019): 1/5

I have a crazy idea: let’s make a musical with Rihanna in it and not have her sing or dance!!!!!!!

A mostly charmless, low-budget, off-the-resort Caribbean vacation. It’s flavorful, I guess. But the music didn’t move me. The dance didn’t excite me, and the Footloosey concept didn’t draw me in. Thank God it was mercifully short.

Tell Me Who I Am (Ed Perkins, 2019): 3/5

Yet another documentary that you have to see to believe. A devastating true story told through the perspective of a man who forgot everything, and his twin, who holds all the secrets. When you learn what the recurring shots of them in the bedroom and of the cars pulling up outside really mean... horrible, but so powerful.

The Fanatic (Fred Durst, 2019): 0.5/5

I never thought I'd say this, but Fred Durst should stick to music.

Don't F**k with Cats: Hunting an Internet Killer (Mark Lewis, 2019): 3/5

The stupidest title ever and the dumbest poster ever but Luka is an endlessly interesting true crime character, not to mention those crazy social media addicts. If I ever go missing, please contact Baudi Moovan and John Green immediately.