Seoul Train (Jim Butterworth, Aaron Lebarsky, 2004): 4/5 

Doc about the fate of North Korean defectors/refugees seeking asylum in China. Devastating. US and China hate each other because they're exactly like one another. Under 1 hour. Originally aired on PBS, I think.

Dark Crimes (Alexandros Avranas, 2016): 1/5

So many awful things about this film that I don't know where to start. (I mean, it's Jim Carey in a serious movie attempting to pull off a Polish accent ffs.) Check out David Grann's New Yorker article the film is based on instead; It's much, much better than the film, and a far better use of your time.

Golden Exits (Alex Ross Perry, 2017): 3/5

Rohmer in Brooklyn. Muted AF. I dig. 

 
The Anniversary Party (Jennifer Jason Leigh & Alan Cumming, 2001): 1.5/5

Pretty sure Alan Cummings just got a bunch of his friends together, hung out with them, and filmed it. It's a very white and insufferable crowd (featuring Parker Posey, Phoebe Cates, Kevin Kline, Denis O'hare, Gwyneth Paltrow, etc). Extra half-star for when they do ecstasy and hang out by the pool; it feels like La Notte for the digital age, shot on a mini dv.

The Old Guard (Gina Prince-Bythewood, 2020): 1/5

So fucking boring. Immortals wringing their hands over their endless lives? That's a movie idea older than these characters are. Good guy mercenaries in a crisis of conscience running afoul of an airquotes-suddenly immoral establishment? This is the 700th such story. The only thing that could rescue this is some diabolically tight action, and I'm sorry but it's just not here. The set pieces are few and far between, the choreography is shredded in the edit, the hits are obscured by cuts, there's precious little momentum, and the violence is timid. Nothing's worse than an action film that's afraid you'll get off on its grue. And that's setting aside the dead-empty narrative; I'd be hard pressed to tell you what was even at stake here.

The Mandela Effect (David Guy Levy, 2019): 1/5 

More like MEH-ndela Effect, amirite??

Palm Springs (Max Barbakow, 2020): 3/5 

A nice high concept rom-com that gets the job done with its share of good moments in under 90 minutes. Sometimes that's all you need.

Advantageous (Jennifer Phang, 2015): 3/5 

Sci-fi shot on a shoestring budget. Admirably ambitious and very well acted (really wish I got to see Jacqueline Kim more than once a decade), but it's expanded from a short and the padding is evident.


The Dying Gaul (Craig Lucas, 2005): 3/5 

This is a psychological thriller about a screenwriter (Peter Sarsgaard) who is courted by a big shot producer (Campbell Scott), stipulating in their deal that the lead characters in the story be changed from homosexual to heterosexual. What follows is a slow but compelling noir power struggle between the writer, the producer and his wife (Patricia Clarkson). Both the cast and writing keep the slow moments interesting, making this bizarre love triangle worth a watch for people who love the genre.


Twilight (Catherine Hardwicke, 2008): 0.5/5

edward: haha hey it's me your boy uhhhhhhhh icy penis
bella:


What We Do in the Shadows (Taika Waititi, Jemaine Clement, 2014): 3.5/5

Consistently amusing without ever quite crossing the line into gut-bustingly funny. Adored Waititi's bashful smile and puppy-dog enthusiasm as Viago, though.


The Room (Tommy Wiseau, 2003): 0.5/5

First complete viewing. A DRINKING GAME.

Sip your drink whenever:
- there's an establishing shot
- Denny is creepy
- someone says "oh hi" or "I love..."
- a plot point is introduced that will never be mentioned again
- characters say something that seems self-aware of the film's flaws
- Mike acts weird
- the phrase "leave your stupid comments in your pocket" is said

Chug your drink during:
- the sex scenes
- the Chris R scene

Shoot scotchka (scotch, vodka, no mixer) when the characters drink the same.


Watchmen Season 1 (Damon Lindelof, 2019): 3.5/5 

Porn? Never heard of her.

Watching a black man beat the living shit out of KKK members? That’s the good shit right there.

Minus a half star for no actual Robert Redford cameo.

Bombshell (Jay Roach, 2019): 2/5

Look how heroic all these rich, racist, homophobic, sexist women are. Rupert Murdoch in particular comes off as a quasi-hero for believing women and firing Ailes and that is just truly despicable to me.

Idk maybe don’t make the first Me Too movie about a woman who repeatedly refuses to call herself a feminist?

A River Runs Through It (Robert Redford, 1992): 2.5/5 

i’m sure something happened in this movie other than brad pitt looking hot but i literally couldn’t tell you a thing

The Poughkeepsie Tapes (John Erick Dowdle, 2007): 1/5

there's one moment in this stupid horror flick where the people being interviewed get mad about 9/11 happening, not because they're sad about 9/11, but because they were angry that the news wouldn't cover their own stories because THE NEWS WAS TOO BUSY COVERING 9/11


rewatched La Dolce Vita (Federico Fellini, 1960): 2.5/5

perhaps misogyny was the film classic all along.


Family Romance, LLC (Werner Herzog, 2019): 2/5 

There is a decent argument that all of Werner Herzog's forays into fiction filmmaking this decade have been mistakes, and that is never clearer than it is here. Herzog saw the idea of people acting as family members for hire, then hired those people to act as themselves, recreating supposedly real scenarios they have encountered on the job; layering artifice onto artifice in the search for something authentic. All he finds though are stilted performances and poor scripting.

All of the 'scenes' plod stiflingly and are shot in a pretty unappealing way. Where the film works is in the non-sequitur moments that discard the narrative entirely to give us instead snippets of everyday artificiality, novel little uses of the fake family members. A woman hires them to pretend to be paparazzi, so that she looks famous. Another hires people to appear at her door with an oversized check to tell her she has won the lottery; paying a lot of money to pretend for a second she is financially secure. 

Herzog should've done this as a documentary.



This One's for the Ladies (Gene Graham, 2018): 3/5

Yes, it’s about the low budget DIY Black male (and 1 lesbian) stripper scene in Newark, NJ. But it’s really a compelling and moving portrait of everyday Black folks, particularly Black women, in all their complexity, vulnerability, and casual heroism in confronting all the ills that have ravaged their communities in America for the last 30 years. The film’s insights into race, gender, sexual orientation, faith, and community make up for the film’s formal shortcomings. The women here are deliciously multifaceted in a way modern screenwriting doesn’t allow for. I wish we had fictional films about regular Black folks that were half as engrossing as this. This doc loves and respects its subjects and the work that they do, which is too rare.

Wasp Network (Olivier Assayas, 2019): 2/5

CARLOS without Carlos. Inherently bland material.

Beanpole (Kantemir Balagov, 2019): 3/5 

More experiential than thesis-driven in its take on trauma, Balegov's impulses are split between a familiar Slow Cinema-adjacent arthouse austerity, with glacial/challenging direction and anti-psychological acting frozen into stasis occasionally broken by obscurely motivated Gestures visited upon the audience from the extremity of human experience. If this was made in and about America, this movie would be totally focused on maternal grief. But since Beanpole is about post-war Leningrad, child death is the least depressing thing here. Slow fry descent into depression.

Broken people can't fix each other.

Skins (Eduardo Casanova, 2017): 2.5/5

Blends the celebratory vulgarity of John Waters with the stylish visuals and deliberate color palette of a Pedro Almodover film.

The lives of a reluctant pedophile, an eyeless prostitute, a wannabe amputee, a pregnant dwarf actress, a burn victim, a rectum-faced girl, and other people deformed both inside and out intersect in this Spanish black comedy. Safe to say you have never seen anything quite like this before; often unpleasant, gross, and weird but the intricate plotting, aggressive stylization, and oscillation of cruelty and compassion make this just slightly more than a freakshow. You have been warned.

Da 5 Bloods (Spike Lee, 2020): 3/5 

Lee is going forward with his hybridization of documentary and fiction, stylistically picking up where he left off with Black Klansman. I’m still processing some of his choices but you have to deeply revere a filmmaker in his 60s doing challenging work. Delroy Lindo is shaping up as the secret weapon of Spike’s acting troupe.

rewatched There Will Be Blood (PTA, 2007): 5/5

A film that spreads its epic mastery across the screen as effortlessly as most of us smear butter over warm toast.


Baskin (Can Evrenol, 2015): 2.5/5 

this is like the twilight zone and clive barker had a child while on acid.

Shirley (Josephine Decker, 2020): 3/5 

unhinged elisabeth moss should be a new film genre at this point

Shelley (Ali Abbasi, 2016): 3/5

If I was going to work/live with someone and when we arrived at their house they told me they didn't have electricity I'd be like "LOL bye bitch."

Wounds (Babak Anvari, 2019): 1/5

Bartender Armie Hammer has a breakdown after messing with a haunted phone in this Hulu/Netflix pick-up, this time a discarded Annapurna release. Movie makes absolutely no sense. 1-star only for the naked lady playing pool whose nakedness is never acknowledged.

Big Time Adolescence (Jason Orley, 2019): 2/5 

I think Pete Davidson just plays himself in everything he’s in and probably will continue to do so for eternity. 

Also, why does the synopsis say "16 year old virgin" as like the first descriptor? He's SIXTEEN. Let him be a virgin in peace.

The Childhood of a Leader (Brady Corbet, 2015): 3.5/5 

Strange, startling, and very dark. Seemingly a portrayal of the trivialities in a detached family household, but is a very compelling tale of a monster to be, full of nuanced performances with a chilling ending that can be considered too on the nose for some but I very much liked it. Helped by a movie stealing score, harsh electronic synths play this out like a horror film, in fact it should be jarring but somehow it works.

rewatched The Matrix (Wachowskis, 1999): 4/5 

This is probably the most thrillingly realized dramatization of the simulation hypothesis that we're ever likely to get.

The Adventures of Milo and Otis (Masanori Hata, 1986): No rating

Watched this as a toddler and remembered just loving the cute pug and cat's friendship and how adorable it all was. As an adult however, here are some of the fucked up things you realized happen to REAL animals in the movie:
-a pug fights a bear
-a cat falls off a cliff
-a cat goes down a waterfall
-a cat fights a snake
-a cat and dog give live birth (YES YOU WATCH IT REALLY HAPPEN)
-a pug fights a raccoon
-a pug gets a ride from a turtle

Safe to say some animals were harmed during the making of this film. It makes for a really stressful watch and I can't say that I enjoyed it this time or would want to recommend to parents and their children.