Thelma (Josh Margolin, 2024): 3/5

A gentle geriatric heist flick, playing out as a low-stakes Mission Impossible exactly as directly parodied throughout the film. June Squibb is equally adorable, capable, and intelligent as Thelma, carrying the whole story on her seasoned shoulders. But it's light on laughs and needs more effort from the supporting cast to get them. Harmless overall.

The Strangers (Bryan Bertino, 2008): 0.5/5

Am I the only one bothered by the fact that, at one point, they note it's around 4 am or so, and the timeline of the movie easily traverses several hours, and yet it remains dark for SO long? Anyway, a dismal experience with little to no reward as a viewer.

Eternals (Chloe Zhao, 2021): 0/5

Not just “not cinema”, but the result of the gradual and meticulous wearing down of the human spirit disguised as pop art. China was 100% right to ban this.

Procession (Robert Greene, 2021): No rating

Been avoiding writing about this one because I really struggled with it and most of the ways I struggled with it made me seem like a bad human being.

Here's the question: who is this film for? I would say it is principally for the six men who are its subjects, all who have suffered abominable sexual abuse at the hands of Catholic priests, none of whom deserve to have their mode of therapy subverted for the purpose of improving my entertainment experience (to the extent you can say any film involving this subject matter is "entertainment", but I am using the term very loosely here). Procession relies broadly on its subjects creating film scenes that help them come to terms with their trauma, a process that is clearly and evidently helpful for them and also one that does not result in film scenes that are very good.

Let me be perfectly clear, lest I seem dismissive: the stories of these men are moving and horrific, and you would have to be made of sterner stuff than I not to feel empathy for them. We often say "you can only wonder what someone's going through", but we mean that to say that we can't truly understand their pain. Six horribly damaged people have had a chance to bring attention to injustice and heal from their trauma. And I have no idea how many stars of criticism that's worth.

Ragtime (Milos Forman, 1981): 3/5

Ragtime represents a lost era of American film: a sprawling big studio historical epic that brings up some of the thorny social issues of the day. This was Milos Forman’s follow up to the disastrous Hair and while this is a step up, there’s something about Ragtime that just doesn’t quite work. Perhaps it’s the fact that while the direction is perfectly serviceable, it feels like the work of an anonymous journeyman. Of course we can see the plight of Howard E. Rollins Jr.’s Coalhouse Walker appealing to Forman and his love for doomed rebels, but it’s pretty astonishing that the man who made Taking Off just 10 years ago had been so sanded down to dull smoothness due to success, an Oscar, and a flop. That said, it’s a shame there was no 40th anniversary re-release for the film in 2021 as its bleak depiction of race and the fate of a Black man who refuses to accept racist bullying would resonate with audiences in the Black Lives Matter era. Maybe that is precisely why the studio probably doesn’t want to revive it.

In a Violent Nature (Chris Nash, 2024): 3/5

Some creative and brutal kills. Yoga girl has one of the craziest deaths I’ve seen.

House of Wax (Jaume Collet-Serra, 2005): 0.5/5

I actually don't fully hate this because there’s a scene from What Ever Happened to Baby Jane.

White Hot: The Rise & Fall of Ambercrombie & Fitch (Alison Klayman, 2022): 1/5

Netflix proudly presents: Another Wikipedia Article In Motion

Also, I have officially never felt older than when talking heads had to explain the concept of magazines or that malls are like physical versions of learning fashion trends through social media influencers. Time really does come for us all.

Morbius (Daniel Espinosa, 2022): 0.5/5

Morbius more like Mor bs…all that’s missing is i and u <3

MaXXXine (Ti West, 2024): 2/5

If I was tepid on milquetoast Ti before, now I'm stone cold. A flaccid climax that suffers even more acutely in the wake of Pearl, which set up Mia Goth as a screeching, pickled and dimpled hagseed starlet worthy to wrest the axe from Joan Crawford...and then throws a wet blanket over thermite by giving her zilch to do here.

MaXXXine betrays no interest in any of the movies it lazily cobbles into a hollow vinyl shellac, a retro fetishistic facade as flimsy as a VHS cardboard slipcase, and seemingly no desire to pick at the cracked, gritty zirconia of celebrity, or what breeds in the scuzzy groin of Hollywood, porn, video, and true crime. Suffused in surfacestatic, and as idle as lint.

Glad to see Kevin Bacon had fun for a weekend, though.

A Quiet Place: Day One (Michael Sarnoski, 2024): 2.5/5

Three whole movies and somehow no one died from the aliens hearing them fart

The Devil's Rejects (Rob Zombie, 2005): 0/5

rob you're from fuckin' Massachusetts, calm down

Meet Me in the Bathroom (Will Lovelace, Dylan Southern, 2022): 2.5/5

This should've been a 10-episode docu-series for HBO but instead they smashed it all into one 105 minute documentary.

Also, Julian Casablancas is a dull and charmless frontman.

The Garfield Movie (Mark Dindal, 2024): 3/5

The G in LGBT stands for Garfield.

The Garfield Movie presents a multifaceted narrative exploring the profound psychological impacts of abandonment, the search for identity, and the moral complexities of crime. This film centers on Garfield, an orange tabby cat abandoned at an early age by his criminal father, Vic. Garfield is found on the street and adopted by Jon, but his constant fear of abandonment causes him to obsessively overeat. The arrival of his biological father and the involvement of Garfield’s loyal adopted brother, Odie—a dog—further intensify the narrative, culminating in a heist orchestrated by Jinx, Vic’s vengeful former partner in crime. This heist tests familial bonds and personal resilience, ultimately revealing deeper truths about loyalty and redemption.

Longlegs (Osgood Perkins, 2024): 3/5

Above Average Legs. I do like it, but I'm not sure it's good. Good creeps, definite tone and imagery. ESSENTIAL Cage. This one goes on his Mount Rushmore. I hesitate to say anymore, but he is OUT THERE, and he absolutely makes this movie, on whatever level it succeeds. (Cage claims he's playing his mother, but, come on, he's 100% playing Travolta.) Keeping him out of frame for so long, in the movie and in marketing, is the most effective thing about it. It gives it exactly the atmosphere you came in hoping for.