Black Phone 2 (Scott Derrickson, 2025): 2/5

one star for filming on super 8, one star for the axe murderer on ice skates

Hedda (Nia DaCosta, 2025): 3/5

Everybody loves a dinner party until it’s hosted by a chaotic bisexual who knows all your secrets.

Keeper (Oz Perkins, 2025): 3/5

I’ve got so many questions.

Like who, what, when, how, present, future, witch, monsters, cousin, eyes, cake?

Frankenstein (GDT, 2025): 3/5

“The miracle is not that I should speak, but that you should ever listen.”

Thank god for Elordi stepping in instead of Garfield that would’ve been a disaster instead of a revelation. Looks great and all the performances are affecting in a tragic way. I am pretty sure GDT claims he has made the definitive version of this story. And I'm OK with that.

Roofman (Derek Cianfrance, 2025): 1.5/5

Roof man? More like, ima jump OFF the roof, man!

Dracula: A Love Tale (Luc Besson, 2025): 2/5

Temu version of Coppola's Dracula. It's giving wish dot com gothic.

The Smashing Machine (Benny Safdie, 2025): 2/5

More like The Snoring Machine amirite??? (I am rite.)

Guess we just found out which Safdie brother had the talent all along.

The History of Sound (Oliver Hermanus, 2025): 2.5/5

Two hours of Paul and Josh walking around singing folk songs so shitty they sound straight outta one of the Hobbit movies, it’s Awards Bait Season once again baby!

Bugonia (Yorgos Lanthimos, 2025): 3.5/5

Amazing how many films this season feel like they all came out of the same weekend retreat. So much of the same despair, disillusionment. And so much ACAB. Also, Emma Stone has literally never had a better male scene partner than Jesse Plemons.

Anemone (Ronan Day-Lewis, 2025): 2.5/5

Gorgeous visuals and a great performance from Daniel Day-Lewis but goddamn this is the prettiest pile of nothing I’ve ever seen. Every character is a hollow skeleton held up by tentpoles of garbled trauma and clunky monologues.

Millers in Marriage (Ed Burns, 2025): 2.5/5

Gen X problems include having extramarital affairs and being bored by their gorgeous homes in upstate New York

A House of Dynamite (Kathryn Bigelow, 2025): 2.5/5

It’s cool how these professionals spent their whole lives preparing for a nuclear attack and then when one happens they’re like “wait what”

Bone Lake (Mercedes Bryce Morgan, 2024): 2/5

if you're making an erotic horror movie called Bone Lake and zero out of four leads will do frontal nudity what are you even doing? you have failed. just call in sick until they fire you